No End In Sight

I can feel it. It's close.

I'm pretty much almost at breaking point.

I need to escape but I can't.

Nothing is changing. Things are getting worse. What I need to do to make my life better or more fulfiling... I can't do. I can't plan for the future. I can't even think about what my future could be because there is nothing. I look ahead and see nothing. What would enable me to craft something cannot be had.

Slowly but surely, I'm killing myself. There is no thought beyond setting my alarm clock for tomorrow and praying at the back of my mind that perhaps I won't wake up. That I'd just never wake up. There is no purpose for my existence except for what I can bring at the end of every month to throw into that black hole my creators refuse to reduce to a managable size.

I have no direction. I cannot afford to have dreams, for to have them would just highlight everything that could be but is not. I have no hope.

From where I stand I will claim that it is a circumstance not of my doing. That I am bound by chains that are stronger and more painful simply because I know I cannot break them. Of debts I have many. Of solutions I have none.

Others would scoff and say that it is merely due to my unwillingness to take charge and enact a chain of events which would be for the better. Or so they predict.

Perhaps... but I am broken and weak and tired.

All I wish for is an end.

Wishful thinking

It seems procrastination is my biggest motivator when it comes to posting here.
As I wait for some material to be sent via email, I know this slice of free time should be devoted to my freelance work (which I'm sneaking in on the sly and hijacking company computers to do... =P), but as usual... I've yet to latch on to that source of inner inspiration that propels my innate ability to string lines of words together and make them "pretty". I think more coffee is required...

Would be nice if one could bookmark things like these... or assign them numbers like the speed dial function on mobile phones...
"1" for Inspiration
"2" for Multi-tasking power
"3" for "Please O-divine Flying Spaghetti Monster, kick-start my brain because it's not working!"

Wishful thinking for one who suffers from a lack of mental self-discipline perhaps lol.

Ah... emails have arrived... time to get cracking...

Until Next Time,

PheXius

Still Alive... Barely

So I've let this blog lay idle for quite a while now... my apologies to all two of my readers... (/wave) but ever since I accepted a job as a journalist for a local paper (yes, to anyone who knows me, you can stop snickering now...), my life in short, is no longer my own.

What is it with me and my working luck? I always seem to find employment with understaffed companies... a sign from the big whatever in the thing up high?

But the good thing about this job is that it keeps me busy... too busy... to think about other things... it's become a matter of survival and a growing if skeptical interest in the industry I never thought I would be a part of... at least not in this damn country.

Imagine if you will, working on a ship sailing in choppy waters and surrounded by the "enemy"... chaos reigning, tempers/emotions/egos flying high and the "should-be-kept-away-from-the-public" individual idiosyncrasies which many would simply label as "crazy", blatantly out in the open for all and any to enjoy... that would be just a small step towards comprehending what it is like working in the place I am now.

But you know what? They pay me overtime and I'm comfortable around crazy...
So until I get REALLY fed-up of all the editorial restraints inherent in this line of work... I'll be here. Rolling my eyes as events unfold, serving only to consolidate what depressive and negative opinions I held before.

Until Next Time,

PheXius

Catchy Desperation

OneRepublic - Stop And Stare

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us

It's time to make our move, I'm shaking off the rust

I've got my heart set on anywhere but here

I'm staring down myself, counting up the years

Steady hands, just take the wheel...

And every glance is killing me

Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

Yeah I know that everyone gets scared

But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there

And you'd give anything to get what's fair

But fair ain't what you really need

Oh, can u see what I see

They're trying to come back, all my senses push

Untie the weight bags, I never thought I could...

Steady feet, don't fail me now

Gonna run till you can't walk

But something pulls my focus out

And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

Yeah I know that everyone gets scared

But I've become what I can't be, oh

Stop and stare

You start to wonder why you're here not there

And you'd give anything to get what's fair

But fair ain't what you really need

Oh, you don't need

What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare

I think I'm moving but I go nowhere

Yeah I know that everyone gets scared

But I've become what I can't be

Oh, do u see what I see...

Songs are always the distilled encapsulations of a moment, an event, a feeling or a state of mind. . . With the human experience not as unique to each as it may seem, its easy to find one claim as your anthem. One whose melody resonants and whose lyrics echo in one rendition, what you wish to scream out to the world.

How well this one speaks of mine...

Until Next Time,

PheXius

The Ties & Lies of Life

So the Lunar New Year is right around the corner.

Too bad this year’s celebrations will be a far cry from those of my youth.

I remember the heady thrill of bundling into the car with my whole family to make the trek inter-state to my grandparent’s house. The 3 hour ride punctuated by my parents arguing over which highway/route to take out of the city and them stuffing us four hooligans with drinks and any number of assorted New Year goodies in order to keep our mouths shut. For us as a family, the term “loud” would be an understatement.

The joy at arriving at our destination, to be greeted by the rest of the extended clan and enjoying free rein over the 5 room single story domain my grandparents called home that would somehow house 12 adults and 13 children for the next 2-3 days. The laughter, the stories shared of times long past and the teasing jests of superstitious nature bantered about by my father and uncles as they gambled and drank while their wives hovered nearby keeping an eye not only on their boisterous brood but on their husband’s stacks.

For us kids there was food, there were candies and oh the fireworks. There was the unbridled joy of running around within a world that seemed so big and clean and mysterious. Of countless little details yet unexplored.

The disintegration of the extended family may merely be yet another milestone in the passage of life, or just an unfortunate occurrence that spares some who do enjoy generation after generation of clannish bliss. Whatever it may be, it remains a harsh and painful process, which is never ever quick. For the obligation and protocol bound to blood ties demands that no direct confrontation be had until the situation is beyond the saving grace of one.

It is deemed fact that the winds of fortune are ever fickle and within clan politics, whoever is blessed by it, determines their place in the hierarchy of power that is inherent in any collection of people. Be they bound by mutual goals or simply blood. With the decline of one kingdom comes the judgement and scrutiny of others. Little did I know that the rumblings of such dissent were always there, even during the blissful times of my youth, when fortune favoured my parents. In a culture and heritage that revolves around money, it’s sad to say that “happiness” and “prosperity” do not exist independently of each other.

Funny how sometimes happy memories get tainted by a little something called knowledge.

Now as we wait for the change of wind, we have been cast out into this limbo we call our exile. Our existence is an afterthought, the good deeds of the past conveniently forgotten. We are dumped with many burdens and yet awarded no respite.

My mother told me just before my return: “Come back, even if we suffer, we’ll suffer as a family”.

Families are tricky entities; I merely pray that in the years to come, that I and my siblings will not follow in the example laid down by our extended elders and instead somehow find a way to be good to one another, no matter what.

Gong Hei Fatt Choi!

Until Next Time,

PheXius

Living in Perpetual Motion

“In quantum physics, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle is the statement that locating a particle in a small region makes the momentum of the particle uncertain, and conversely, measuring the momentum of a particle precisely makes the position uncertain.”
– Wikipedia

A sudden flashback to an old debate (read, argument) with D-kun about the dominance or not of absolutes in life prompted me to read up once again about the above. D-kun had thrown it out at me in response to my rather sneering jibe that the rigidity of the scientific approach for explanations to all matters did not account for the X-factor which prevails in about 80% of life as we know it.

Until today I stand firm by it… the number of truly bizarre and simply idiotic things that run rampant on a daily basis will defy any concerted attempt at qualitative or quantitative analysis. But I digress…

I’m a total novice to quantum physics, and still am but this statement really appeals to me. Perhaps due to its translatability into metaphorical conceptualizations about living, the fact that Heisenberg essentially argues that uncertainty is a property of this world.

We are all in flux, in constant motion and impossible to pinpoint to an exact degree. The object/particle/being I am right now will have no exact resemblance to the object/particle/being I was or will be. Maybe that’s a reason why we all spent a significant portion of our waking moments trying to “find ourselves”… We never really come close, you realize? The best always seems to be a vague guesstimate…

It’s an elusive goal that when or if ever achieved will be an ideological breakthrough of cosmic and earth shattering proportions akin to the unlocking of cold fusion or perpetual motion.

I wish us all, happy hunting!

Until Next Time,

PheXius

P.S. For the curious, I forgot who emerged as winner of that old debate… If I recall correctly, the completion of the latest episode of Heroes stopped that particular intellectual clash dead in its tracks... either that or dinner was ready...

Virtual Living =/= Virtual Hiding?

A new year begins and I find myself getting deeper and deeper into the virtual sanctuary of a world I thought I had left behind a long time ago. Addiction? Obsession? Call it what you will but at least now I have something that keeps me occupied during non-work hours, allows me to control my book-buying impulses and best of all... escape and have some uncomplicated fun with strangers from around the world.

A self-imposed social exile? Perhaps. I find I still lack the strength and the courage to get out and face a scene I know only too well is merely coldly indifferent to my existence. Yes, no need to preach, I know better things await me out there. And that one must take risks and venture into the unknown in order to find something truly extraordinary and/or fulfilling.

I'm just not ready yet.

So until something clicks inside me and goes "Alright, let's go!", I think I'll roam around the digital plains of Vana'diel for just a little while longer.

Until Next Time,


PheXius


P.s. Oh and Happy (belated) New Year! For the curious, my new year resolution remains the same every year: "Don't FUCK UP! and Be Happy"

On A Feast Of Brief Hopes...

This little speech from the West Wing has been flashing in my head on and off for the last couple of months...

This guy's walking down a street, when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep. He can't get out. A doctor passes by, and the guy shouts up "Hey you! Can you help me out?"

The doctor writes him a prescription, throws it down the hole and moves on.

Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up "Father, I'm down in this hole, can you help me out?"

The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a friend walks by. "Hey Joe, it's me, can you help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole!

Our guy says "Are you stupid? Now we're both down here!" and the friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before, and I know the way out."

Leo McGarry - Noel – West Wing Season 2

Where's my Leo McGarry? sighz... I suppose until then, this little sentence best sums up my current point of existence:

Starving, Hysterical, Naked,

On A Feast Of Brief Hopes.

Until Next Time,

PheXius

P.s. For the poetically savvy out there, yes the first line comes from Allen Ginsberg (Howl) and the second from Czeslaw Milosz.

Note: John Spencer (the actor who played Leo McGarry) passed away on 16-12-2005, may he rest in peace.

A Selfish Rant

Been a while since my last post, as usual… I’m sure D-kun is just waiting in the wings, ready to pop out with his “your blog is still alive?” remark… assuming I go to the trouble of notifying him via MSN that I’ve posted something new. Why subscribe to RSS when you have the Phex-Alert? Especially since I have the total readership of say 3 exceptionally bored souls (sorry guys), I can afford to do the personalized alert thing…

So anyway… it’s officially one hour till I get off work… been running on adrenaline, caffeine and nicotine today since I got NO sleep last night. Why? Because I spent it feverishly writing a draft of a TV script that I’ve managed to delay for a lil over a week. How nice for me that my old University habits are still strong within my work psyche… talk about the need for self-discipline and a stronger work ethic… *rolls eyes*... yeah it’s bad and I’m working on it…

Moving right along to the rant topic of the day…forgive me my verbal hysterics and melodrama, I’ll blame in on sleep deprivation… So a brief retelling of my recent social nightmare to someone resulted in this piece of advice for me:

“Think before you talk… even if you’re around friends…You should know this…”

Before anything else, I must say I take the advice to heart and genuinely thank that someone for offering it to me. But allow me my rant by letting me say… I ALREADY KNOW AND AM FULLY AWARE, I just don’t do it well… and statements like “you should know” are USELESS, not to mention they irk me tremendously! Of course I know! Yet knowing and doing aren’t exactly on the same difficulty level is it? If I could do it perfectly and full-on, 24 hours, 7 days a week, I’d be a fucking diplomat!

The saying of shit that got me into that damn nightmare was NOT the case of some random situation with random people with me making the conscious decision to unleash the potent “Phex-Speak” upon them, artfully designed to ruin someone’s life… please! VERY rarely do I spew forth words with MALICIOUS intent… I would unwittingly and regretfully hurt someone’s feelings, which I’ve done on countless occasions and would like nothing more then to go back and time and hit myself for it but that’s not really feasible…

I believe I’ve come to the core reason of this recurring problem… I tend to make observations. Not bitchy ones or anything (though I won’t say I’ve never BICTHED but in those situations… its clearly understood) … just plain statements about a certain aspect of someone’s personality or action that to ME amounts to the equivalent of some lab scientist holding up a test-tube and going “hmm, a little off-color won’t you say?”.

Before you even think to respond with the “not everyone is like that” retort, let me butt in with an “I KNOW”… but I FUCKING FORGET okay?… THAT is MY FLAW and MY PROBLEM… I’m not perfect… who is? And I’m out of it then most… I only let down my guards around those I see as friends (though the voice in my head is saying “please woman, you’ve never had any, not HERE, no one’s got your back darling”)

I admit I am too outspoken at times… I put up disclaimers all the time – “FYI, I sometimes say things that are…” or “just so you know… 80% of the BS that comes out of my mouth…” and of course “Rarely do I say things with malicious intent” spiel for people who are just getting to know especially… I guess I forget that the regulars need reminders too… To me, words can be easily twisted, spun and manipulated any which way, just like how they make the food in commercials look so much better then they really are… the only way to sort the genuine from the superficial is to look at the intent or emotion behind the statement… an element slightly harder to fake or construct to be contrary to the truth… that’s what I think/feel anyway…

And here’s another thing… yes there are people who are truly sensitive to such things but how can you possibly tell the difference between one who does and one who doesn’t yet goes down that “wounded” path because 1) it’s the “expected response” and 2) it can be used as a weapon to attack/fling back at the source? Because in reality, we will always want to favour the victim… regardless of the truth of the situation in this entirety which lays not on one side or the other but somewhere in between.

So until they invent speech filters the way emails have spam filters and subject alerts, I’ll always be that “mean/jealous/petty/insert preferred noun here Bitch who is out to ruin So & So’s life for some apparent reason”.

A situation I expect to remain in for the foreseeable future as I refuse to bow down and conform to the expected flows of social fakeries demanded by those I’ve tried so hard to both understand and make them understand me…

Isn’t life fucking great?

Until Next Time,

PheXius

Musings and Melodies

It was in the spirit of escape that I found myself sitting on the steps of the 6th floor of my condo. With new tenants yet to move in, the floor is empty, save for the occasional visit from a few lucky souls who’ve managed to discover its current state of abandonment.

It not exactly Nirvana in the Buddhist understanding of the term but it sure as hell comes close. In a daily routine that leaves little time for the simple pleasure of just being alone, to grasp it becomes akin to finding water in a desert. To have, even for a few minutes, the sensation of being truly disconnected from all that constitutes the present reality is really an indescribable feeling of sweet relief. To exhale all care and concern in one breathe and draw in the numbing air of space and quiet.

I must admit that having an ipod or any portable music player comes in handy at times like these. There’s nothing like music to cut short your mind’s journey towards that moment of brutal clarity and honesty with yourself. I’ve been reacquainting myself with the work of John Mayer, the soundtrack of choice to these musings. I know I’ve mentioned that I love his songs before, but it’s worth repeating… any guy that uses words like ‘indelible’ and makes it sound so damn good, is alright in my book. The phrase ‘melodic poet’ comes to mind…anyway,

As I looked up at the night sky one blissful session, I found myself wondering how personal measures of “success” were created, how each person as a different idea of what is means to have led a life well lived. Options and possibilities are all around us, we are exposed to it since birth, through our family, friends and the media we surround ourselves with.

Money equals success.
Love equals success.
Power equals success.
Fame equals success.
To change the world equals success.
A new experience every day equals success.
To be feared/respected/idolised equals respect.

Everyone is compelled to choose one or a combination of these components. And throughout their life here on earth, to incessantly move forward in a quest to attain it.

Call it fear of facing a truth which states oh so loudly that my failures and unchangeable flaws have become my only true companions. That my ability to really engage with those around me is hampered by my insecurities and that the insistent voice in my head that screams that I was meant for so much more has become my sole motivation to continue this search for understanding in this cold and cruel world I call my home.

So the crafting of my personal definition of what “success” and a life “well lived”, lays abandoned. Why? Because I’ve glimpsed the bigger picture, that ideal, lovingly flawed depiction of where the depths of my soul wish me to be.

I just can’t get there.


Until Next Time,

PheXius.

Scared of a world outside you should go explore
Pull all the shades and wander the great indoors
Though lately I can't blame you

I have seen the world
And sometimes wish your room had room for two

John Mayer –
Great Indoors